Exactly 15 years back my family shifted from Bangladesh to Singapore not by choice but by political forces from Bangladesh and Singapore government’s keen eye on special talent that my dad is they took us in like family. And it has become home since then. My parents and sister became Singaporeans. But not me. Today the reverse is happening to me and I have no say in it at all.
And today we are paying the price of that one mistake that took my life and sent it spiralling towards a collapsing bottomless pit of hell hole. Just watch fate/destiny twist a daggered knife right through my spine.
You see, I was born in the UK and I was always meant to go back there to do my undergrad and settle down. That was my dad’s wish too. That + all the ill information we garnered from other expats led to a joint decision of me not taking PR here when I turned 17. Because all 18 years are drafted for army here for 2 years. As a result, our ignorance prevailed and we followed suit. Lil did we know that it will come back to bite off the entire butt cheek off and leave us in the middle of a salty water with an open wound the size of China. And it burns like fuck now.
I went to the UK to study Aerospace Engineering. The countdown to today began right there and then. Meanwhile, the laws in the UK changed for foreign students. After graduation only 3 of the 43 foreign students that studied with me managed to find jobs in the UK. & I went to do an internship in Nepal in 2014 just to slow down the process to today.
And finally the looooooong waited today has come and I am not up to the challenge to take it by the balls. We had done everything we could but the stringent policy and blind eye to stupid mistakes led us to here. With a high on demand degree from one of the top Universities in the world, I am left jobless, homeless and countryles.
Going back to Bangladesh would not have been a problem had I went back there on regular basis during this 15 years. Or if I had a home. Or if the country wasn’t so unsafe and 3rd worldly. I know there are opportunities there and I know there is money to be made as it is a developing country but this empty feeling of being helpless and not able to control my own destiny, being forced out of a country which I called/known to be home and where I felt I belonged and where all my family and friends are gonna be…
I was down and out a couple of times before. But never have I ever been so alone or helpless. Without friends and family. Never have I ever had to worry about my bed. No matter what I was going through I always knew I have my bed to go back to at the end of the day. I knew I had a safety net in form of my parents and friends. But not this time. This time I am on my own with no safety net.
It is not as if I did not go back there after Nepal in 2015 to start my own business. However, it was by choice then and by force now. Also, I had a plan and goal. I knew what I wanted to accomplish and I knew I was coming back to Singapore. But not this time. & I absolutely hate to be forced to do anything. Maybe that’s why the pain is so unbearable at the end.
Yes, I will come back out on top. But maybe not today or tomorrow or next couple of days and weeks. All I feel like doing now is just wallow in my sorrow, be down on my knees and just cry it all out. And then dust me up and take on the world and continue my journey to the pursuit of greatness. Perhaps this tough and painful process someday be useful to me. But not today! For now….