I am not the only one with a cold heart.

I have been wanting to write about this issue of mine for the longest time possible. And all this while I thought I am the only one. I have never met any person across 2 continents and 4 countries I have resided in to do this. Up till about a month back when I came across this beautifully written piece. I hope everyone reads it.

& I am glad I did not write it because there was no way I could write it as eloquently and clearly as Monika did. Nor would I have gotten the point across ever so slightly. I have added how I would have written the first 2 paragraphs as proof of it.

As for Monika’s article, I have read it at least 9 to 10 times and almost 90% of it is how I am. The only difference is that I do not think there is something wrong with me. Nor do I even want to be honest with people because I do believe those who are meant to be part of your life will always find a way back. And after my recent experience, I am even more convinced of this theory than ever before. Also, I just believe that after a point some relationships are not worth pursuing anymore. Like how you do not drag a boat around you once you reach the harbour some people are just there to guide you through the river.

 I know I don’t need friends directly around me. But it has been like that my whole life, friends changing when my homes did and I used to be okay with it, always focusing on the present and letting the past take a back seat. Nostalgia is poisonous if you have to focus on getting your shit together. So my issue isn’t starting over, no, it’s holding on. Staying, even when it scares the shit out of me because others might leave. I’m normally not the one who gets left behind.

& here is my attempt:

I can be a very difficult person to deal with. I am very egoistic and I can cut people off my life without any notice. Sometimes it can be for very valid reasons like having a compulsive liar as a friend, and sometimes for something as trivial as a friend wishing me “happy new year, let’s work out together this year.” The latter is because I hate it when people do not back their words up with actions and this was not the first time this guy had said this. I know I am fucked up.

I have cut at least 1 good friend off every year for reasons placed between the two spectra since 2007.  & the quota for 2017 was up when I had to let go of someone in February. It came as a shock when I had to do it the second time this year. That too to one of the finest human being on earth. Over this list of items.


But I am glad she did not let her ego to control her emotion and she messaged me. I could not become the bigger person because the message I had sent was really rather scathing and the only way of redemption would be a face to face talk which was not gonna be possible since we are in 2 different countries. So my back up plan was that I knew we would meet at a friends wedding sometime in the future and I would make amends. But I am grateful I did not have to wait that long!

I would love to know how many of you know someone who does this? So that we can all have a conference and talk about the science behind it. 🙂



3 thoughts on “I am not the only one with a cold heart.

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